The usually flavorful food was dry and unremarkable. She ate because there was naught else to do but eat and smile. Another bite. Another smile. Nod in Christina’s direction. Laugh at a jest from Mairin. Watch Caelen scowl. And then look in Alaric’s direction again.
She sighed and moved the venison around with her cutting knife. She just wished the meal over with so she could retire to her chamber and try to lose herself in a few hours sleep.
She chanced another peek at Alaric and sucked in her breath when she found his gaze resting on her. He didn’t move away or try to pretend he hadn’t been watching her. His eyes like green ice delved past her defenses and threatened to crumble her on the spot.
He didn’t smile. In his eyes she saw all that she felt. And yet she couldn’t make herself look away. Nay, if he could brave allowing her to see his torment, then she could offer her own in return. She wouldn’t pretend to feel naught.
Beside her Mairin cleared her throat, jerking Keeley from her locked gaze. Keeley glanced swiftly around, but all eyes were turned toward the mistress of the keep as she prepared to speak.
“The meal is done and ’tis nigh time for Christina to hasten back to her cottage. Her mother will worry, with the weather so raw out.”
She glanced over at Cormac and gifted him with a sweet smile. “Cormac, would you kindly escort Christina? I’d hate for her to brave the weather by herself.”
For a moment, Cormac looked as though he’d swallowed his tongue. After casting a quick glance in Christina’s direction, he hastily stood.
“Of course, Lady McCabe.”
Ewan shot Mairin a long-suffering look while Caelen just frowned as Cormac walked around to offer his arm to Christina.
The table went quiet and it seemed everyone in the hall watched as Cormac awkwardly guided Christina from the table. As soon as they were gone, Ewan let out a sigh and pinned his wife with his stare.
“What mischief are you up to now, wife?”
Mairin smiled and exchanged a conspiratorial look with Keeley before facing her husband.
“Would you have Christina walk to her cottage alone? Why, she could slip and fall on the ice and then what would we tell her mother? That our laird sent a young girl into the weather unescorted?”
Ewan sent his gaze heavenward. “Why do I even ask?”
“Come now, husband. Have another serving of ale and tell me of your day,” Mairin said with an innocent smile.
“You know well how my day went. I’ve just spent the last half hour with the retelling.”
“Have you yet sent a message to McDonald agreeing to his terms?” Caelen asked.
He looked directly at Keeley, pointedly, as he spoke. Keeley held his gaze, refusing to react to his words.
“Aye, two days past,” Ewan said. “I don’t expect to receive a response until the storm has passed and the snows have stopped.”
“Then we should expect him closer to spring,” Caelen pressed. “He and Rionna.”
“Caelen.”
Alaric said only the one word, but his tone was glacial and as frigid as the winds outside. It was a clear warning to his brother to stop meddling, but it didn’t make Keeley feel any better.
Caelen was warning her. He knew of the attraction between her and Alaric. Keeley wanted to crawl under the table and die of shame.
Instead she nudged her chin up and looked down her nose at Caelen as if he were an annoying insect she was about to squash. That image cheered her considerably. ’Twas the truth she’d enjoy nothing more than giving Caelen a good stomping.
Caelen’s eyebrow went up as if surprised by her daring, and she narrowed her eyes to tell him she knew precisely what he was about.
To her further surprise a slight smile lifted one corner of his mouth. Then he went back to his goblet and promptly ignored her.
Keeley was just about to excuse herself when Cormac returned to the hall, a dazed expression on his face. She arched an eyebrow at Mairin, who looked utterly delighted. Mairin reached under the table and squeezed Keeley’s hand.
Cormac bumped into his chair as he attempted to retake his seat. His color was heightened and his hair … looked decidedly unkempt. Mairin’s smile grew even broader.
Ewan grunted in disgust and Caelen rolled his eyes. Alaric just stared at Keeley until her cheeks warmed under his scrutiny.
“Laird, I have need to speak with you,” Cormac said in a low voice. “ ’Tis of utmost importance.”
Ewan cast a resigned look at his wife and then nodded in Cormac’s direction. “Speak then.”
Cormac cleared his throat and looked nervously around at the people still remaining at the table. Most of the men had gone on to their quarters, but Gannon, Alaric, and his brothers along with Keeley and Mairin yet remained.
“I would ask permission to seek Christina’s hand in marriage,” he blurted out.
Mairin nearly bounced out of her chair and Keeley found herself unable to hold back the smile at the other man’s stunned expression.
“I see. Have you thought this through?” Ewan asked. “Is she truly the one you would marry? And are you sure she wishes to marry you?”
“Aye. ’Tis the truth she said I wouldn’t be kissing her again until we were formally betrothed.”
At that, Keeley and Mairin could hold in their laughter no longer.
“God save us from interfering women,” Ewan muttered. “ ’Twould seem there is much matchmaking afoot in the keep. Aye, Cormac. You have my permission to speak with her father, but I’ll not have your duties disrupted. Your first duty is to see to the safety of my wife. If I find you distracted even once, I’ll dismiss you.”
“Of course, Laird. My loyalty is to you and your lady above all else,” Cormac said.
“Then prepare your speech for her father. We’ll have a priest out as soon as weather permits, and provided, of course, her father is agreeable.”
Cormac fought his grin but the relief and … happiness in his eyes made Keeley go soft all over. She swallowed back her longing and the brief surge of jealousy. She was truly happy for Christina. The young woman would be giddy when Cormac proposed.
She glanced over at Mairin to see that her excitement was mirrored in the other woman. Mairin leaned over and whispered, “We’ll have to query Christina about that kiss on the morrow.”
Keeley put a hand to her mouth to stifle the laughter. “It must have been a kiss for the ages,” she whispered back.
“I’ve had a few of those,” Mairin said wistfully. Then she cast a glance in Ewan’s direction. “Maybe more than a few.”
It was on the tip of her tongue to confide that she, too, had experienced a kiss like no other, but she remained quiet. Instead she glanced Alaric’s way again only to find his gaze caressing her as surely as if he touched her with his hand.
It was as though someone gripped her throat and squeezed. Each breath was torturous, until her chest ached with the effort. She dragged her gaze away and then bolted from her seat at the table. She turned to Ewan first and bobbed an awkward curtsy.
“With your permission, Laird, I would retire above stairs. I find I’m quite tired this eve.”
Ewan nodded and continued his conversation with Alaric.
Keeley then turned to Mairin. “I’ll see you on the morrow. Good eve.”
Mairin shot her a look of sympathy that told Keeley she wasn’t immune to the undercurrents between Keeley and Alaric.
Keeley hurried away but felt the weight of Alaric’s stare the entire time. She couldn’t be away from the scrutiny of those at the table fast enough. She’d already make a fool of herself with all the stolen glances at Alaric. Someone would have to be blind and daft not to sense what was going on.
The climb up the stairs seemed interminable. Her chamber was cold when she let herself in, and shivering, she went about reviving the fire from the nearly dead coals. After adding fresh wood, she stood by the flame a moment to instill warmth in her hands and then went to check the fur covering the window.
Satisfied that all was as it should be, she donned her night dress and slipped beneath the furs on her bed. The only light in the darkness was the vibrant, orange glow of the fire. It cast shadows on the walls and made her feel every bit as alone as she was.
Outside, the wind whistled and groaned, like an old man bemoaning his fate. Keeley wrapped the furs tighter around her and stared at the dancing flames on the ceiling.
If only things were as simple as stealing a kiss. If only she’d take matters into her own hands as Christina had done. Keeley smiled a sad, rueful smile. If only a kiss could solve all the ills. Christina had kissed her man and now they would forge a life together.
She had no life to forge with Alaric. But she could cherish a few stolen moments in his arms.
She went utterly still as the thought took hold. Her breath caught and held and her hand flew to her throat, massaging as if to take the tightness away.
What if she did go to Alaric? How would it change any aspect of her life when she was already thought a woman of no virtue?
She closed her eyes and shook her head in mute denial.
But she couldn’t even use the excuse that Rionna was her friend. Friends didn’t turn their backs. And no one ever had to know.
Just one night.
Was it possible?
Alaric wanted her. He’d make that plain enough. And Keeley wanted him with every breath she breathed. She wanted him so much that it was a physical ache.
What would his hands feel like on her flesh? His mouth against hers?
Aye, it would hurt to walk away from Alaric. It would hurt to have him but for a short tryst, but she was beginning to believe that he was right. A taste of sweet was better than a lifetime of bitter regret. And right now she’d regret going to her cold grave a virgin still.
For so long she held her virtue tight. So tight that naught else mattered. It was her only proof that she wasn’t the whore she’d been labeled. And yet it hadn’t brought her justice. There was no one to stand for her. There would never be anyone to stand for her. Only she knew the truth, and that’s how it would stay.
How much comfort did the truth bring her on cold nights?
She nearly laughed at the lengths her mind went to in order to rationalize her desire to indulge in an affair with her warrior.
Her warrior. Always hers. But not. In her heart, though, there was no other. There never would be.
“Do stop being so dramatic and fanciful, Keeley,” she murmured. “The next thing you know, you’ll be throwing aside the furs covering the window and threatening to hurl yourself onto the snow-covered heath.”
She would laugh, but tears stung her eyelids and she swiped at them to alleviate the burn.
Nay, now was not the time for silly and idyllic dreams. She needed to be a realist and decide what was acceptable to her. No one else. For once, she would place her own wants and desires above others. For if she didn’t see to her happiness, no one else would.
One night in Alaric’s arms.
Once spoken aloud in her mind, she couldn’t push the thought away. It consumed her. It tempted and tantalized her as nothing else ever had.
She’d never even been kissed until Alaric, save the brutal mouth of the laird and she didn’t consider that a kiss. A kiss was something given, and the laird had taken. She had never given him anything willingly.
She pressed her palms to her eyes and plunged her fingers into her hair.
It was too late for her to turn back. It had become more than some hopeless dream. The idea had taken root. It burned so brightly in her mind that she knew she couldn’t go another day under the unbearable strain that existed between her and Alaric.
Tonight it had to end.
CHAPTER 17
Alaric stood and stared moodily out the window into the night. Above, the moon gleamed bright and reflected boldly off the snow-covered terrain. In the distance the loch glistened and shone like silver with nary a ripple to disturb the pristine surface.
’Twas a tranquil sight and yet his insides were in complete turmoil.
His brother’s words whispered to him, an insidious thought that once seeded had taken root and it shamed him that he gave it more thought with each passing day. Take her. Use her. Be rid of this madness.
But he couldn’t. Because he knew that what he felt wasn’t simple lust. What it was, he couldn’t say. It was new and fresh. He was on the cusp of something alarming and exhilarating all at the same time. ’Twas as if he prepared for battle and his blood soared in preparation.
He wanted her, aye. Not a doubt. But he wouldn’t take what wasn’t willingly given. The last thing he wanted to do was cause her pain. Seeing the torment in her eyes had hurt him in a way he hadn’t thought it possible to be hurt by a woman.
The sound of his chamber door opening whirled him around, a blistering set down-poised and ready to fly at whoever dared to enter without knocking.
When he saw Keeley standing in the shadows, uncertainty etched on her features, he forgot to breathe.
“I thought you would be abed,” she said in barely above a whisper. “ ’Tis late. We took to our beds hours ago.”