I gripped the sides harder, willing myself to believe the lie.
And then I saw myself, alone in a kitchen, and holding a refrigerator. Telling myself that my life was good.
Fuck.
I started pounding the steel doors. Every muscle in my body felt choked as I slammed my palm against the appliance again and again. Madman yelped and scurried away.
All the shit my mom had sitting up on top turned over or shattered to the ground, and I just kept going. Using both hands to slam it time and again against the wall.
Nothing hurt if I knew I had you.
She was f**king with my head. Why couldn’t I just forget her?
I stopped, my shoulders slumped, forcing air in and out of my lungs, but it was never enough. I turned around to head up the stairs. If my mom was gone for the night, then there was no harm in bringing out the Jack. Since she was an alcoholic, I kept that shit hidden. But tonight I needed a way out. I couldn’t stomach the hurt. I couldn’t deal, and I needed to be numb.
On my way up the stairs, I noticed that the front door was open.
Shit.
It must not have latched when I’d slammed it before. And Madman got out, no doubt.
I kicked the door shut. Hard.
Fucking awesome. Even the dog had left.
Once in my room, I went to the stash Madoc and I skimmed from his father and pulled out a bottle.
Flinging off my hoodie and shirt, I kicked off my boots and unscrewed the bottle, swallowing massive gulps to drown out her voice in my head.
But walking over to my window, I instantly stilled.
There she was.
Dancing.
Closing her eyes and jumping around.
An image of her in a purple nightgown came to mind, but I couldn’t place it.
She looked ridiculous and couldn’t dance any better than me. I almost laughed when she threw the devil ears up in the air and screamed along to the music. My chest swelled with the urge to hold her.
And right then and there, I wanted her back.
But what the hell was I going to say to her? I couldn’t tell her everything.
Not everything.
I brought the bottle back up to my lips, closed my eyes, and forced the bile back down my throat.
There was nothing to say. The guy she knew when we were fourteen was gone. My parents had left me. She’d left me.
I was on my own just like that cocksucker said I’d be.
The stinging nip of hatred and hell crawled its way up my neck and into my head until my nerves burned so badly that I wanted to rip off my skin just to breathe.
I launched the bottle across the room where it slammed against the wall before spilling to the floor.
Goddammit!
Leaving the room and charging down the stairs, I went f**king crazy. I kicked over chairs, smashed pictures, and went to bat with some pottery and crystal. I shattered everything, swinging the fire poker at everything and anything. Every picture that my mother had of me smiling and every f**king figurine that gave the impression that we were a happy household was destroyed. In two hours, the house was ripped apart from top to bottom as I got lost and exhausted.
When all was done, the house was a disaster, and I was covered in sweat.
But I was as high as a kite. Nobody could hurt me if I could hurt them.
Blissfully numb and calm, I parked myself outside on the back porch with another bottle of Jack from my supply and let the rain cool me down. I didn’t know how long I was out there, but I was finally breathing and that felt good. There’s something to be said for acting like a five-year-old and breaking some shit. Control had finally settled over me again, and I just sat there and drank, soaking up the quiet in my head.
“Jared?”
I twisted my head and immediately lost my breath. Tate? Aw, Jesus Christ. No, no, no…
She was here? And in f**king shorts and a tank top?
I turned back around, hoping she’d go away. I didn’t want to lose my shit with her. Or do anything stupid. I’d finally calmed down, but my head was nowhere near straight enough to deal with her right now.
“Jared, the dog was barking outside. I rang the doorbell. Didn’t you hear it?”
Damn, she was so close. I could feel the pull. I wanted to get closer. To sink into her arms until I couldn’t even remember yesterday.
She walked around in front of me, into the rain, and my fingers tingled. They wanted her.
I glanced up, only for a moment, unable to resist the pull.
Jesus Fucking Christ. She was drenched. And I looked down again, knowing what I would do if I kept looking. Her wet shirt stuck to her body, but she tried to hide it by crossing her arms. Her legs glistened with the water dripping down, and her shorts clung to her toned, wet thighs.
“Jared? Would you answer me?” she yelled. “The house is trashed.”
I tried looking at her again. Why? Who the f**k knows? Every time I saw her, I wanted to bury my heart and body inside of her.
“The dog ran away,” I choked out. What the hell?
“So you threw a temper tantrum? Does your mom know you did that to the house?”
And that’s when the wall went back up. My mother. Tate looking at me like I couldn’t control myself. Like I was weak.
I didn’t want to hurt her anymore, but I wasn’t letting her in, either.
“What do you care? I’m nothing, right? A loser? My parents hate me. Weren’t those your words?” Yes, this was easier. Just push back.
She closed her eyes, looking embarrassed. “Jared, I should never have said those things. No matter what you’ve—”
“Don’t apologize,” I interrupted, swaying as I stood up to hover over her. “Groveling makes you look pathetic.”
She yelled something at me, but I was too lightheaded and aggravated to register what she was saying as I walked back into the house.
She followed me inside, and I tuned her out as I dried off the dog. But then she took the control out of my hands again when she rushed to empty my bottle down the drain.
What?
“Son of a bitch!” I ran up to her and tried prying the Jack out of her hands. “This is none of your business. Just leave.” I didn’t want her here to see me like this. She shouldn’t care about me. I’d done nothing to earn it. And I didn’t need it or her!
I jerked the bottle, and her body came flush with mine.
She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. And angry, she was even hotter. A fire was in her eyes, and her full bottom lip glistened from the rain. I didn’t want to stop this for anything. I wanted to lose all of my energy on her.
In more ways than one.
I saw her raise her hand, and my head jerked to the side with the sting of her hand, and I stood there for a moment, stunned.
She hit me!
I dropped the bottle. I didn’t give a damn about it anyway, and I hauled her up onto the counter. I didn’t know what I was doing, but it was out of my control. And for once, I had no problem with that.
She met my eyes, not looking away for a second, as her body squirmed against mine. I shouldn’t be holding her like this. I shouldn’t be crossing this line with her. But I had Tate in my arms for the first time in over three years, and I wasn’t letting go. The more I looked at her, and the more she let me touch her, I was completely hers.
And I hated and loved that at the same time.
“You f**ked me up today.”
“Good,” she challenged, and my hold on her tightened.
I jerked her into me again. “You wanted to hurt me? Did you get off on it? It felt good, didn’t it?”
“No, I didn’t get off on it,” she answered way too calmly. “I feel nothing. You are nothing to me.”
No. “Don’t say that.” I hadn’t pushed her away completely. I still had her, didn’t I?
I could smell her sweet breath as she leaned in, her lips moist with heat and sex. “Nothing,” she repeated, taunting me, and I was instantly as hard as a f**king rock. “Now, get off—”
I took her mouth, eating up her sweet little whimper. She was f**king mine, and that was it. Her smell, her skin, everything invaded my world, and I couldn’t see straight. My head felt dazed, like I was underwater, weightless and quiet. God, she tasted good.
I sucked on her bottom lip, tasting what I’d been f**king dying to get at for years. And I wanted to taste her everywhere. I went too fast, but I couldn’t control myself. It was like I needed to fit in all the lost time right now.
Her chest was pressed into mine, and I was between her legs. I tried to catch my breath between kisses. This was where I wanted to be, and why the f**k hadn’t I seen that sooner? She wasn’t fighting me, and I smiled as she stretched her neck back for me, inviting me in. I released my hold and dug my hands into her body, pulling her into my hips, so she could feel how much I wanted her.
She’d wrapped her legs around me, and I ran my hands up her thighs, in complete awe of her soft, hot skin. We weren’t going to f**king move until my hands or mouth had been on every part of her.
As I kissed her neck, she brought my face back up to her lips, and I reveled in how she responded. She wanted this as much as I did.
Hell, yes.
I knew I didn’t deserve it. I knew she deserved more. But I was going to bury myself in this girl or spend my life trying. I couldn’t get her close enough or kiss her fast enough. I wanted more.
I dove for the little spot under her ear, smelling and aching for her. I felt freer with her body wrapped around mine than I had in years.
“Jared, stop.” She pulled her head away from me, but I just kept going. Nope. You. Me. And a f**king bed. Now.
I was about to carry her off when she yelled, “Jared! I said stop!” And she pushed me away.
I stumbled back, shocked out of my trance. Blood raced through my dick like Niagara Falls, my body screaming for her so hard. I stood there, trying to f**king figure out what to say to her to bring her back to me, but she didn’t give me a chance. She just leapt off the counter and ran out of the house.
Goddamn.
I had no idea what the hell I was going to do now, but one thing was for damn certain.
We weren’t done.
Chapter 19
“Are you serious?” I leaned down to Madoc’s car window, where he sat in the driver’s seat listening to Pink.
“My music is none of your business.” He ended the conversation right there and continued staring out onto the track ahead.
It was Friday night, a long two days after my kiss with Tate, and we were at the Loop, getting set for Madoc’s race against Liam. His was listening to chick music, and I was trying not to laugh.
Not that Pink wasn’t hot as hell, but personally, I need something louder when I got zoned in.
K.C. rode with me tonight. I glanced over to the side, where I knew she was standing, and I tensed up when I saw her talking to Tate.
My chest swelled with a rush of heat.
“Dude, why are you smiling?” I heard Madoc’s voice.
I blinked and darted my eyes back down to him. He sat there, holding the steering wheel and narrowing his eyes at me.
“Was I smiling?” My face fell back into position.
“Yeah, and it’s weird. The only time you smile is when you’re pulling the wings off of butterflies,” he mumbled but then pinched his eyebrows together and twisted to look over his shoulder out the back window. “Is she here?”
“Who?”
“The butterfly you like to torment,” he teased.
“Fuck off,” I grumbled and headed back to my car.
My game plan with Tate had changed, and I had no clue how to explain myself to him.
So I didn’t.
But my lips curled up as flashes of how my idea of tormenting Tate had changed.
God, I wanted her.
That was it. Plain and simple.
That kiss—our first—was f**king torture, and I wanted more of it.
She had punished me with that kiss. Showing me what she could do to me. What we could do together. And that was just a taste.