He knows this is bullshit, doesn't he?
Oh God. What is the point?
'OK.' I lean against the lift wall. 'In real life, we don't behave anything like that. Paul usually shouts at me six times a day, and Nick and Artemis hate each other, and we don't usually sit around discussing literature. We were all faking it.'
'You amaze me.' His mouth twitches. 'The atmosphere in the admin department also seemed very false. My suspicions were aroused when two employees spontaneously started singing the Panther Corporation song. I didn't even know there was a Panther Corporation song.'
'Neither did I,' I say in surprise. 'Is it any good?'
'What do you think?' He raises his eyebrows comically and I give a little giggle.
It's bizarre, but the atmosphere between us isn't remotely awkward any more. In fact, it almost feels like we're old friends or something.
'How about this Corporate Family Day?' he says. 'Looking forward to it?'
'Like having teeth pulled out,' I say bluntly.
'I got that vibe.' He nods, looking amused. 'And what …' He hesitates. 'What do people think about me?' He casually rumples his hair. 'You don't have to answer if you don't want to.'
'No, everyone likes you!' I think for a few moments. 'Although … some people think your friend is creepy.'
'Who, Sven?' Jack stares at me for a minute, then throws back his head and laughs. 'I can assure you, Sven is one of my oldest, closest friends, and he's not in the least bit creepy. In fact—'
He breaks off as the lift doors ping. We both snap back into impassive expressions and move slightly away from each other. The doors open, and my stomach gives a lurch.
Connor is standing on the other side.
As he sees Jack Harper his face lights up as though he can't believe his luck.
'Hi there!' I say, trying to sound natural.
'Hi,' he says, his eyes shining with excitement, and walks into the lift.
'Hello,' says Jack pleasantly. 'Which floor would you like?'
'Nine, please.' Connor swallows. 'Mr Harper, may I quickly introduce myself?' He eagerly holds out his hand. 'Connor Martin from Research. You're coming to visit our department later on today.'
'It's a pleasure to meet you, Connor,' says Jack kindly. 'Research is vital for a company like ours.'
'You're so right!' says Connor, looking thrilled. 'In fact, I'm looking forward to discussing with you the latest research findings on Panther Sportswear. We've come up with some very fascinating results involving customer preferences on fabric thickness. You'll be amazed!'
'I'm … sure I will,' says Jack. 'I look forward to it.'
Connor gives me an excited grin.
'You've already met Emma Corrigan from our marketing department?' he says.
'Yes, we've met.' Jack's eyes gleam at me.
We travel for a few seconds in an awkward silence.
This is weird.
No. It's not weird. It's fine.
'How are we doing for time?' says Connor. He glances at his watch and in slight horror, I see Jack's eyes falling on it.
Oh God.
'… I gave him a really nice watch, but he insists on wearing this orange digital thing …'
'Wait a minute!' says Jack, dawn breaking over his face. He stares at Connor as through seeing him for the first time. 'Wait a minute. You're Ken.'
Oh no.
Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh—
'It's Connor,' says Connor puzzledly. 'Connor Martin.'
'I'm sorry!' Jack hits his head with his fist. 'Connor. Of course. And you two —' he gestures to me '— are an item?'
Connor looks uncomfortable.
'I can assure you, sir, that at work our relationship is strictly professional. However, in a private context, Emma and I are … yes, having a personal relationship.'
'That's wonderful!' says Jack encouragingly, and Connor beams, like a flower blossoming in the sun.
'In fact,' he adds proudly, 'Emma and I have just decided to move in together.'
'Is that so?' Jack shoots me a look of genuine surprise. 'That's … great news. When did you make that decision?'
'Just a couple of days ago,' says Connor. 'At the airport.'
'At the airport,' echoes Jack Harper after a short silence. 'Very interesting.'
I can't look at Jack Harper. I'm staring desperately at the floor. Why can't this bloody lift go quicker?
'Well, I'm sure you'll be very happy together,' Jack Harper says to Connor. 'You seem very compatible.'
'Oh we are!' says Connor at once. 'We both love jazz, for a start.'
'Is that so?' says Jack thoughtfully. 'You know, I can't think of anything nicer in the world than a shared love of jazz.'
He's taking the piss. This is unbearable.
'Really?' says Connor eagerly.
'Absolutely.' Jack nods. 'I'd say jazz, and … Woody Allen films.'
'We love Woody Allen films!' says Connor in amazed delight. 'Don't we, Emma!'
'Yes,' I say a little hoarsely. 'Yes, we do.'