Josh looks as though I’ve asked him a trick question. “Well, it was like I heard this voice in my head-”
“Forget the voice!” I practically scream at him. “Was there anything else?”
Josh frowns irritably. “What else would there be?”
“The photo of us!” I’m scrabbling desperately. “On your phone. You must have kept that for a reason.”
“Oh. That.” Josh’s face softens, exactly the same way I saw it soften before when he looked at the two of us on that mountain. “I love that picture.” He gets his phone out and looks at it. “My favorite view in all the world.”
His favorite view.
“I see,” I say at last. My throat is aching from trying not to cry. I think, finally, I do see.
For a while I can’t say a word. I’m just circling the rim of my wineglass around and around with my finger, unable to look up. I was so convinced. I was so sure that once he was back with me he’d realize. We’d click. It would be fantastic, like it was before.
But maybe I’ve been thinking about a different Josh all this time. There was real-life Josh and there was Josh-in-my-head. And they were almost, almost exactly the same, except for one tiny detail.
One loved me and the other one didn’t.
I lift my head and look at him now as though for the first time. At his handsome face; his T-shirt with some obscure band logo, the silver bracelet he always wears around his wrist. He’s still the same person. There’s nothing wrong with him. It’s just… I’m not the violin to his bow.
“Have you ever been to Geneva?” Josh is saying, and my thoughts are wrenched back to the present.
For God’s sake. Geneva. A zoo. How did Sadie think of all this stuff? She’s totally screwed with his mind. She’s so irresponsible.
Thank God she’s stuck to meddling with my love life, I think grimly. Thank God she hasn’t gone around trying to influence any world leaders or anything. She would have caused global meltdown.
“Josh, listen,” I say at last. “I don’t think you should move to Geneva. Or train as an astrophysicist. Or open a zoo. Or…” I swallow hard, psyching myself up to say it. “Or… be with me.”
“What?”
“I think this is all a mistake.” I gesture at the table. “And… it’s my fault. I’m sorry for pestering you all this time, Josh. I should have let you get on with your life. I won’t bother you again.”
Josh looks poleaxed. But then, he’s looked fairly poleaxed throughout most of the conversation.
“Are you… sure?” he says feebly.
“Totally.” As the waiter approaches the table, I close the menu I’m holding. “We’re not going to eat anything after all. Just the bill, please.”
As I walk back to the office from the tube, I feel almost numb. I turned Josh down. I told him we weren’t right together. I can’t quite process the enormity of what just happened.
I know I did the right thing. I know Josh doesn’t love me. I know Josh-in-my-head was a fantasy. And I know I’ll come to terms with it. But it’s hard to accept. Especially when I could have had him so easily. So easily .
“So!” Sadie’s voice jolts me out of my reverie. She’s obviously been waiting for me. “Did I prove a point? Don’t tell me, it’s all over between you.”
“Geneva?” I say coldly. “Astrophysics?”
Sadie bursts into giggles. “Too funny!”
She thinks it’s all just entertainment. I hate her.
“So what happened?” She’s bobbing around, her face lit up with glee. “Did he say he wanted to open a zoo?”
She wants to hear that she was completely right and it’s all over and it was all down to her super-skills, doesn’t she? Well, I’m not going to give her the satisfaction. I’m not going to have her exulting over me. Even if she was completely right and it is all over and it was all down to her super-skills.
“Zoo?” I adopt a perplexed expression. “No, Josh never mentioned any zoo. Should he have?”
“Oh.” Sadie stops bobbing.
“He mentioned Geneva briefly, but then he realized that was a ridiculous idea. Then he said he’d been hearing this really annoying, whiny voice in his head recently.” I shrug. “He said he was sorry if he hadn’t been making much sense. But the most important thing was, he wanted to be with me. And then we agreed to take things slowly and sensibly.” I stride on, avoiding her eyes.
“You mean… you’re still seeing each other?” Sadie sounds astounded.