Drew’s empty hand flew out and grabbed onto my elbow, yanking me upright and spilling some of the shot on my hand.
Oops, guess that was me tipping, not the room.
"Before you face plant off your stool, f**ker, I'd like to make a toast. To my best friend, Carter. May he never fall victim to another two-timing, gold-digging whore."
We downed the shots and slapped the glasses on the bar.
"Thanks for not f**king her buddy," I mumbled, trying not to slur.
"Dude, first of all, I'd never f**k any girl you were even remotely interested in, let alone dating for a long period of time. And second, I could never accept a proposition from that skank. I wouldn't do that to my penis. He's done nothing wrong and doesn't deserve the punishment of her vagina."
I sighed, smacked my elbows on top of the bar and rested my head in my hands.
"My poor penis. I should buy him a gift," I muttered to myself.
Finding out my girlfriend of two years was cheating on me two days before we were supposed to move here together and start a new life was a huge pain in my ass. And my penis.
Drew's grief counselor, the waitress, walked back over to console him and interrupted my penis pity party. At the same time, a rush of air surrounded me as someone quickly walked by, their shoes clicking on the hardwood floor. I breathed in right at that moment and the smell of chocolate overwhelmed me and instantly transported me back in time to five years ago.
"Mmmmm you smell so good. Like chocolate chip cookies," I muttered with a raspy, hung-over voice as I pulled her incredibly soft body against my own.
Wow, she doesn't have any bones. Like, at all. Where the f**k are her bones? Am I still drunk? Did I sleep with a blow-up doll? Again? I pealed my eyes open one at a time so the rays of sun shining in the room wouldn't make me go blind. Once my eyes adjusted to the light, I looked down and groaned. Nope, not drunk, just hugging a pillow. I let go of the pillow, rolling over onto my back and flinging my arm out to the side of me to stare up at the ceiling.
She was gone. And I didn't even get her name. What kind of a dick was I? She wasn't too interested in knowing my name either though, so I guess we were even. As drunk as I was last night, I could remember every single second. I closed my eyes and pulled to mind how great her ass looked in those jeans, the smell of her skin, the sound of her laugh and the way her body felt like it was made to fit against mine. I scanned through every memory I had, but for some reason, her face just wouldn't come into focus no matter how hard I tried. God dammit, how was I going to find her if I couldn't remember her face and didn't know her name? I was the king of jackasses. I knew she was beautiful, even if I couldn't remember everything. Her skin was soft and her hair felt like silk and her lips on me could make me whimper like a girl. And best of all, she made me laugh. Not many girls made me laugh. They never got my jokes or were too uptight for my sense of humor. But she got me.
Last night obviously wasn't my best performance. I hope to God I didn’t have whiskey dick and was able to at least get it up and keep it up. Shit. She probably ran out of here as fast as she could this morning because I sucked so badly. I never had a one-night-stand before; I didn't know what the protocol was for something like this. Would it be wrong for me to hunt her down? Even if she wanted nothing to do with me ever again, I needed to at least apologize for my God-awful skills last night.
And truth be told, I just wanted to see her again. I wanted to know if she was real or if I just imagined how perfect she was. I grabbed the pillow and brought it up to my face, breathing the smell of chocolate in deep and smiling. I might not have remembered everything, but I remembered her smell. It was like hot chocolate on a cold winter’s day, chocolate cake baking in an oven on a rainy afternoon…
Oh my God, I sound like a chick. I need to watch some ESPN and get in a bar fight, pronto.
The sound of the toilet flushing in the connecting bathroom had me bolting upright in bed. Holy shit! Was that her?
I swung my legs around off the bed and started to get up right when the door opened.
"Fucking hell dude, don't ever sleep in a bathtub. That shit is for the birds. My ass is killing me," Drew complained as he shuffled over to the bed, turned around and let his body fall back onto the end, settling after a few bounces. He threw his arm over his eyes and groaned.
"Why the f**k does morning have to come so early?" he whimpered.
I sighed in disappointment, holding the sheet in place so I could lean over and grab my jeans that were crumpled on the floor with my boxer-briefs still shoved inside them.
"I'm never drinking again," he promised.
"You said that last week," I reminded him as I flung the sheet off of me so I could put my pants on.
What. The. Fuck?
"Oh shit. Fucking shit. Mother f**king shit balls."
This can't be good. This really, really cannot be good.
"What are you whining about over there, Nancy?" Drew asked as he removed his arm from across his eyes and sat up.
"My dick is bleeding. Drew – MY DICK IS BLEEDING!"
I was screeching like a girl. I knew it, he knew it, pretty soon the whole house would know it. But my dick was bleeding. Did you hear me? My f**king dick was f**king bleeding. FUCK! It's not supposed to bleed. Ever.
I thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know much, but I did know the rules about owning a dick. Rule number one: It should never bleed. Rule number two: There was no rule number two. IT SHOULD NEVER FUCKING BLEED.