Beyond that, the questions and the doubts, in the pit of my stomach, there was all this regret. If I had told her a year ago, a month ago, even a week ago, would things be different now? It was the day before her wedding. In twenty-four hours, she would be married to my brother.
Why did I wait so long?
I drove around for a while, into town and then along the water, then I went back to the house. None of the cars were parked in the driveway, so I thought I was home free for a while—but then there was Taylor sitting on the front porch.
“Where is everybody?” I asked her.
“Well hello to you, too.” She pushed her sunglasses to the top of her head. “They went sailing.”
“Why didn’t you go with them?”
“I get seasick.” Taylor eyed me. “I need to talk to you.”
Warily, I eyed her back. “About what?”
She pointed at the chair next to hers. “Come sit down first.”
I sat.
“What did you say to Belly last night?”
Averting my eyes, I said, “What did she tell you?”
“Nothing. But I can tell something’s wrong. I know she was crying last night. Her eyes were completely swollen this morning. I would be willing to bet money that she was crying because of you. Again. Nice one, Conrad.”
I could feel my chest tighten. “It’s none of your business.”
Taylor glared at me. “Belly is my oldest friend in the world. Of course it’s my business. I’m warning you, Conrad. Leave her alone. You’re confusing her. Again.”
I started to stand up. “Are we done?”
“No. Sit your ass back down.”
I sat down again.
“Do you have any idea how badly you’ve hurt her, over and over again? You treat her like a toy that you just pick up and play with whenever you feel like it. You’re like a little boy. Someone else took what was yours, and you don’t like that one bit, so you swoop in and shit all over everything just because you can.”
I exhaled. “That’s not what I’m trying to do.”
She bit her lip. “Belly told me that a part of her will always love you. Are you still trying to tell me you don’t care?”
She said that? “I never said I didn’t care.”
“You’re probably the only one who could stop her from going though with this wedding. But you’d better be damn sure you still want her, because if you don’t, you’re just effing up their lives for no reason.” She put her sunglasses back on. “Don’t eff up my best friend’s life, Conrad. Don’t be a selfish bastard like usual. Be the good guy she says you are. Let her go.”
Be the good guy she says you are.
I thought I could do it, fight for her till the end, not think about anyone else. Just grab her hand and run. But if I did that, wouldn’t I be proving Belly wrong? I wasn’t a good guy. I would be a selfish bastard just like Taylor said. But I would have Belly next to me.
Chapter Fifty
That night, we all had dinner at a newish restaurant in town—my parents, Mr. Fisher, all of us kids. I wasn’t hungry, but I ordered a lobster roll and I ate every bite of it, and every fry, because my dad was paying. He insisted.
My dad, who wore the same white dress shirt with gray stripes for every “fancy” occasion. He was wearing it that night, sitting next to my mother in her navy shirtdress, and my heart just swelled with love every time I looked at the two of them.
And there was Taylor, pretending to be interested as my dad went on about a lobster’s nervous system. Sitting next to Anika, who actually did look interested. Next to Anika was my brother, who was rolling his eyes.
Conrad sat at the far end of the table, with Jere’s friends. I made a conscious effort not to look in his direction, to just keep focused on my plate, on Jeremiah next to me. I didn’t have to bother, because Conrad wasn’t looking at me either. He was talking to the guys, to Steven, to my mother. To everyone but me. This is what you wanted, I reminded myself. You told him to leave you alone. You asked for this.
You can’t have it both ways.
“Are you okay?” Jeremiah whispered.
I lifted my head and smiled at him. “Yeah! Of course.
I’m just full.”
Jeremiah took one of my fries and said, “Save room for dessert.”
I nodded. Then he leaned over and kissed me, and I kissed him back. After, I saw his eyes flicker over to the end of the table, so quick I could have imagined it.
Chapter Fifty-one
Conrad
I felt like I was going out of my mind that night. Sitting there at the table with everyone, cheersing when my dad made a toast, trying not to watch when Jere kissed her in front of all of us.
After dinner was over, Jere and Belly and all their friends went to the boardwalk for ice cream. My dad and Belly’s dad went to their hotel. It was just Laur and me back at the house. I was on my way up to my room, but Laurel stopped me and said, “Hey, let’s have a beer, Connie. I think we deserve it, don’t you?”
We sat at the kitchen table with our beers. She clinked my bottle and said, “To … what should we toast to?”
“What else? To the happy couple.”
Without looking at me, Laurel said, “How are you doing?”
“Good,” I said. “Great.”
“Come on. This is your Laura you’re talking to. Tell me. How are you feeling?”
“Honestly?” I swigged my beer. “It’s pretty much killing me.”
Laurel looked back at me, her face tender. “I’m sorry.
I know you love her a lot, kid. This must be really hard on you.”
I could feel my throat starting to close up. I tried to clear it, unsuccessfully. I could feel it coming up in my chest, behind my eyes. I was going to cry in front of her.
It was the way she said it, it was like my mom was right there, knowing without me having to tell her.
Laurel took my hand and clasped it in hers. I tried to pull it away, but she held on tighter. “We’ll get through it tomorrow, I promise. It’ll be you and me, kid.” Squeezing my hand, she said, “God, I miss your mom.”
“Me too.”
“We really need her right now, don’t we?”
I bowed my head and started to cry.
Chapter Fifty-two
I wanted to sleep in Jeremiah’s room that night, but when I started to follow him upstairs, Taylor wagged her finger at me. “Uh-uh. It’s bad luck.”
So I’d gone to my room, and he’d gone to his.