Which made me feel glad. And sad.
I said, “I don’t know. Does it matter to you if I do?”
He stared at me, and then he leaned forward and touched the necklace around my neck. The one I’d been hiding under my shirt all day.
“If you like Jeremiah, why are you wearing my necklace?”
I wet my lips. “I found it when we were packing up your dorm room. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“You know what it means.”
I shook my head. “I don’t.” But of course I did. I remembered when he’d explained the concept of infinity to me. Immeasurable, one moment stretching out to the next. He bought me that necklace. He knew what it meant.
“Then give it back.” He held his hand out, and I saw that it was shaking.
“No,” I said.
“It’s not yours. I never gave it to you. You just took it.”
That’s when I finally got it. I finally understood. It wasn’t the thought that counted. It was the actual execution that mattered, the showing up for somebody. The intent behind it wasn’t enough. Not for me. Not anymore. It wasn’t enough to know that deep down, he loved me. You had to actually say it to somebody, show them that you cared. And he just didn’t. Not enough.
I could feel him waiting for me to argue, to protest, to plead. But I didn’t do any of those things. I struggled for what felt like eternity, trying to undo the clasp on the necklace around my neck. Which was no surprise, considering the fact that my hands were shaking too. I finally got the chain free and I handed it back to him.
Surprise registered upon his face for the tiniest of moments, and then, like always, he was closed off again. Maybe I’d imagined it. That he’d cared.
He stuffed the necklace into his pocket. “Then leave,” he said.
When I didn’t move, he said, sharply, “Go!”
I was a tree, rooted to the spot. My feet were frozen.
“Go to Jeremiah. He’s the one who wants you,” Conrad said. “I don’t. I never did.”
And then I was stumbling, running away.
Chapter forty-two
I didn’t go back to the car right away. All I had in front of me were impossible choices. How could I face Jeremiah after what just happened? After we kissed, after I went running after Conrad? My mind was spinning in a million different directions. I kept touching my lips. Then I’d touch my collarbone, where the necklace used to be. I wandered around campus, but after a while, I headed back to the car. What choice did I have? I couldn’t just leave without telling anybody. And it wasn’t like I had another way home.
I guessed Conrad was thinking the same thing, because when I got back to the car, he was already there, sitting in the backseat with the window open. Jeremiah was sitting on the hood of the car. “Hi,” he said.
“Hey.” I hesitated, unsure of what was next. For once, our ESP connection failed me, because I had no idea what he was thinking. His face was unreadable.
He slid off the car. “Ready to go home?”
I nodded, and he threw me the keys. “You drive,” he said.
In the car, Conrad ignored me completely. I didn’t exist to him anymore, and despite everything I’d said, that made me want to die. I never should have come. None of us were speaking to one another. I’d lost them both.
What would Susannah say if she saw the mess we were in now? She would have been so disappointed in me. I hadn’t been a help at all. I’d only made things worse.
Just when we thought everything was going to be okay, we all fell apart.
I’d been driving for what felt like forever when it started to rain. It started out with fat little plops and then it came down heavy, in hard sheets.
“Can you see?” Jeremiah asked me.
“Yeah,” I lied. I could barely see two feet in front of me. The windshield wipers were swishing back and forth furiously.
Traffic had been crawling along, and then it slowed almost to a stop. There were police lights way up ahead.
“There must have been an accident,” Jeremiah said.
We’d been sitting in traffic for over an hour when it started to hail.
I looked at Conrad in the rearview, but his face was impassive. He might as well have been somewhere else. “Should we pull over?”
“Yeah. Get off at the next exit and see if we can find a gas station,” Jeremiah said, glancing at the clock. It was ten thirty.
The rain didn’t let up. We sat in the gas station parking lot for what felt like forever. The rain was loud, but we were so quiet that when my stomach growled, I was pretty sure they both heard. I coughed to cover up the noise.
Jeremiah jumped out of the car and ran inside the gas station. When he ran back, his hair was dripping wet and matted. He tossed me a packet of peanut butter and cheese crackers without looking at me. “There’s a motel a few miles down,” he said, wiping his forehead with the back of his arm.
“Let’s just wait it out,” Conrad said. It was the first time he’d spoken since we’d left.
“Dude, the highway’s pretty much shut down. There’s no point. I say we just crash for a few hours and leave in the morning.”
Conrad didn’t say anything.
I didn’t say anything because I was too busy eating the crackers. They were bright orange and salty and gritty, and I stuffed them into my mouth, one after the other. I didn’t even offer one to either of them.
“Belly, what do you want to do?” Jeremiah said it very politely, like I was his cousin from out of town. Like his mouth hadn’t been on mine just hours before.
I swallowed my last cracker. “I don’t care. Do whatever you want.”
By the time we got to the motel, it was midnight.
I went to the bathroom to call my mother. I told her what had happened and right away she said, “I’m coming to get you.”
Every part of me wanted to say Yes, please, come right this second , but she sounded so tired, and she’d already done so much. So instead I said, “No, it’s fine, Mom.”
“It’s all right, Belly. It’s not that far.”
“It’s okay, really. We’ll leave early tomorrow morning.”
She yawned. “Is the motel in a safe area?”
“Yes.” Even though I didn’t know exactly where we were or if it constituted a safe area. But it seemed safe enough.
“Just go to sleep and get up first thing. Call me when you’re on the road.”
After we got off the phone I leaned against the wall for a minute. How did I end up here?